Sunday, March 21, 2010

Cricket is dead. Long Live Cricket...

Let’s face it. In India, you are a lonely person at a sports bar if you don’t like cricket. Well, I never liked being alone and fate made sure I was born to parents who passed on the DNA of a cricket fanatic to me. My earliest memories of a TV were of a box with plywood shutters which slid open to reveal a blue tinted screen on which funny men in starched white clothes ran amok after a small ball all over the field while funnier men kept running towards and away from each other on a small track in the centre as if their life depended on it. That I am from the definition of a small town (still can’t find my birth place on the map…Up yours Google!) with us owning one of the few and far between TV sets ensured that each match was a community experience with the whole neighbourhood in the living room with endless cups of tea, roshogollas and “Nimki”. Every man the self appointed expert and the women looking suitably interested while discussing more important things. The reference to a diary does not make me think of Anne Frank or conversations with myself but umpteen ball by ball scoresheets maintained in diaries Dad got as gifts. We were familiar with dot balls long before it became a part of daily conversation. I also learnt my first slogan…”Ravi Shastri Hai Hai”….thanks to the sport.

Cricket also taught me how to plan and prioritize my calendar. I just followed Dad’s example. He never missed a day of work in those days but come a India-Pakistan match it was understood that he would use up one of his precious PSU allotted Casual Leaves. Since I had no such luxuries at school, I made sure I was the neighborhood “doctor uncle’s” favourite so the medical certificates would keep rolling in. Am sure glad that analytics was not one of the strong points of my class teacher.

Life, as it is, ensured that the better set of genes was passed on to my younger brother. While he excelled on the field and played at the highest levels Assam as a state and mom’s watchful eye over academics would allow, I took on a more cerebral role. While I followed and understood cricket and enjoyed its nuances and idiosyncracies, I just wasn’t too good at playing it. In my head I was a tearaway fast bowler and explosive batsman. Reality was a “little” different. I had my moments though. After hitting the peak of my career where I made it to the winning team….......of the inter-hostel tournament……...in the first year of engg. College……...as a 12th man……....for one match, I hung up my playing boots and followed the sport as a spectator ….and a passionate one at that.

Which brings me back to cricket itself. By the time we grew up to a self respecting generation of fanatics, after initial jitters, One Dayers in the sun or under lights and Test Cricket were co-existing in harmony and being enjoyed equally. Then came T20 and it brought an even larger audience back to stadiums. That India with it richest cricket board became world champions ( ..although calling a competition a “world cup” in a sport where the number of nations playing it competently can be counted on your fingers is stretching the term a considerable bit..) made the format instantly acceptable. I mean one billion followers, give or take a few million can’t be wrong! And then it happened…The powers that be spawned a shylock who smelt the money in billion pockets and thought of the IPL...Well not really…ICL happened but Mr. Modi just had more money and the bureaucracy with him and he promptly raped and pillaged the idea.

Don’t get me wrong. A lot of seriously good cricket gets played in the IPL. It has also led to exciting new innovations. Shots over the back of your head, slower bouncers, reverse sweep version 2.0, strike rates of 250 and a complete suite of slower balls. Just wound up watching a nail biting IPL encounter between Punjab and Chennai. It had all the elements of a classic cricket face off. Incisive bowling, innovative batting, inspired fielding and balls of steel when put in the spot. At the end the end of tied 20 over encounter, followed by a super over which itself had more unlikely twists and turns than a james hadley chase novel or a Abbas-Mustan potboiler (remember RACE??)..the spectators and TV audience (basing this conclusion on a sample size of one...me!)..were left happy or disappointed depending on whom they are rooting for ...but certainly spent by the sudden release of tension at the end of a nailbiter.

However, the sheer experience of watching the sometimes brilliant cricket is mind numbing. Sample this, Ravi Shastri (looking more like a fossil each passing day) can’t seem to get rid of clichés…”the deccan chargers are charged!!” he exclaims….or Harsha Bhogle commenting on everything from Robin Utthappa losing weight to Romesh Powar or Yuvraj gaining a little more but zilch on the actual cricket being played. Maybe it’s something to do with his heightened self image now that he has hair again...The rest of the pack keep piling on more of the same inane conversations…

Come to think of it, there are no good shots or great catches anymore. There are only DLF maximums or Karbonn Kamaal Catches ( BTW what’s the deal with Akshay Kumar’s Laugh??)… No Turning points in the match only “Shitty Moments of success”…The marketing geniuses have even managed to show ads in between deliveries of an over…The cameras just focus on the electronic screen on the ground…The strategic timeout takes the cake though. Its such a disrupting concept that the captains don’t go for the two and a half minute break even when its due….What does Shylock do…Make it compulsory at the end of predetermined overs….so you can enjoy the zoozoos or poopoos or whatever is the flavour of the day…And in case you are feeling lonely you can meet the cheerleaders….just sms or call the number on the screen…

A recent trip to Eden Gardens proved that the cricket viewing experience at the stadium is equally moronic..with DJs exhorting the crowds to do one more Mexican wave than the other city the previous night…and crowds focusing attention and cameras on cheerleaders rather than players…

There’s going to be more teams and an international edition of the IPL as early as next year…With more money pouring in..IPl is gonna be the place to be for the players…..Test Duty would be too much work ….We will have many more Symonds and Nannes in the days to come…I just hope IPL doesn’t turn Cricket into what WWE turned wrestling to….barely recognizable sport in a shiny new grotesque package of entertainment…

Maybe I should stick to watching just football…

P.S. With Chelsea having a miserable week and the worst playing form in some time, maybe its time for yet another sport. Checkers, anyone??